I have really been struggling lately with feelings of condemnation, which I think is the enemy's way of distracting me from what God is trying to do in my life right now. This was a really good article about understanding the difference between condemnation and conviction.
Click here.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Timeline
June 2012 - Mission trip to Haiti
July 2012 - Offered job at Cornerstone Schools of Alabama teaching middle school Science
August 2012 - First hear about the World Race
March 2013 - Hanna starts talking about doing the World Race and applies
August 2013 - Hanna leaves for the World Race
February 2014 - Asked to move from middle school to 4th grade, begrudgingly accepted job
August 2014 - Began teaching 4th grade
May 2015 - Mission trip to Tanzania
June 2015 - Present Day: Stirred, discontent, longing
Things I have read about, considered, researched, etc.:
Sozo Children
Samaritan's Purse
International schools
Refugee camps
World Race
SIM
AIM
IMB
Syrian Refugee Aide
Niger, Africa
Jesus Film Project
(un)adopted
Cafe 1040
Amazima, Kisses from Katie
Bogota, Colombia
Launch Global
July 2012 - Offered job at Cornerstone Schools of Alabama teaching middle school Science
August 2012 - First hear about the World Race
March 2013 - Hanna starts talking about doing the World Race and applies
August 2013 - Hanna leaves for the World Race
February 2014 - Asked to move from middle school to 4th grade, begrudgingly accepted job
August 2014 - Began teaching 4th grade
May 2015 - Mission trip to Tanzania
June 2015 - Present Day: Stirred, discontent, longing
Things I have read about, considered, researched, etc.:
Sozo Children
Samaritan's Purse
International schools
Refugee camps
World Race
SIM
AIM
IMB
Syrian Refugee Aide
Niger, Africa
Jesus Film Project
(un)adopted
Cafe 1040
Amazima, Kisses from Katie
Bogota, Colombia
Launch Global
Friday, October 23, 2015
Refining
Refine - to remove impurities or unwanted elements from (a worthwhile, yet unfun process)
This morning I was driving to school and just chatting with God and telling Him how frustrating it is to be trying so hard to mold these 14 hearts and prevent them from going down the wrong path. I feel like so many of them are internally fighting against this process because they are ten, hormonal, and just plain crazy emotional at this stage. It is a refining time for several of them (worthwhile, but unfun).
And then God just totally stopped me in my tracks and spoke so clearly to me... "Yeah, I feel the exact same way." Since returning from Africa I have often said that I feel like this is a refining season for me in many different ways. Basically I feel like a hot mess. This blog post does such a great job of summing up my thoughts and emotions during this time... click here. The refining process is difficult when you are not sure what the Lord is trying to bring to the surface. And so I come to His feet and say, "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." - Psalm 139:23-24
Lord, mold me. Refine me. I know that the heat is necessary to bring the impurities to the surface. Give me the boldness and courage to lay all of my yuck at your feet and ask that you cleanse me. Speak clearly to me and give me open ears to hear from you. Thank you for your patience, grace, and mercy throughout this process. I want to be healthy and whole. I want to be prepared for wherever you are leading me. I repent of my selfishness, negativity, and worry. I ask for your forgiveness for putting you in the passenger seat and trying to manage and run things on my own. Clearly that is working out horribly at this point. I just want to be in your presence. I just want to be used by you. May I be fit to be used by you. I surrender myself to this process, however long it takes. Break my heart for what breaks yours. Amen.
This morning I was driving to school and just chatting with God and telling Him how frustrating it is to be trying so hard to mold these 14 hearts and prevent them from going down the wrong path. I feel like so many of them are internally fighting against this process because they are ten, hormonal, and just plain crazy emotional at this stage. It is a refining time for several of them (worthwhile, but unfun).
And then God just totally stopped me in my tracks and spoke so clearly to me... "Yeah, I feel the exact same way." Since returning from Africa I have often said that I feel like this is a refining season for me in many different ways. Basically I feel like a hot mess. This blog post does such a great job of summing up my thoughts and emotions during this time... click here. The refining process is difficult when you are not sure what the Lord is trying to bring to the surface. And so I come to His feet and say, "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." - Psalm 139:23-24
Lord, mold me. Refine me. I know that the heat is necessary to bring the impurities to the surface. Give me the boldness and courage to lay all of my yuck at your feet and ask that you cleanse me. Speak clearly to me and give me open ears to hear from you. Thank you for your patience, grace, and mercy throughout this process. I want to be healthy and whole. I want to be prepared for wherever you are leading me. I repent of my selfishness, negativity, and worry. I ask for your forgiveness for putting you in the passenger seat and trying to manage and run things on my own. Clearly that is working out horribly at this point. I just want to be in your presence. I just want to be used by you. May I be fit to be used by you. I surrender myself to this process, however long it takes. Break my heart for what breaks yours. Amen.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
An Open Letter to My Students
Dear Students,
Do you know how many students I have taught so far? Around 300. Ten class lists of names. But the names on those lists are not just names. They also represent a family and a home (some good, healthy, and full of encouragement and love while others have been lonely, empty, and hurtful). Oh what I would give to change some of your circumstances and undo some of the things you have seen, heard, and experienced in your young little life. But that's not how it works.
You bring into my class your life up to that point. Some of you come in wide-eyed, innocent, silly, and every bit your age. While some of you come in bitter, apathetic, distant, with the attitude and demeanor of someone who has led a much longer and harsher life than you should have. It breaks my heart. It literally hurts me for the hurt you have endured. But I can't undo the past. I can't change it for you.
I see so much potential in you to literally be anything you want to be. A doctor, a teacher, a veterinarian, a pastor, whatever you can dream up. But too many of you over the years have already decided by age 10 that you don't care. You don't want to try. You don't want to work hard. And as much as I have tried to match your attitude, it just isn't in me to not care. Which is why I get so frustrated with you at times. Because I can see things that you can't see and I try so hard to speak truth and love into your young life, but I can't make you want to learn and try and grow. That is something only you can find for yourself.
I hope to one day be on the front row at your high school and college graduation. I hope to one day have you as my own doctor or veterinarian. I hope to see you achieve more than you ever thought possible. But that all starts with the attitude you have today. I am going to do my best and continue to pray that God will give me patience in this process and wisdom in how to best teach and love you. I have not given up on you.
Do you know how many students I have taught so far? Around 300. Ten class lists of names. But the names on those lists are not just names. They also represent a family and a home (some good, healthy, and full of encouragement and love while others have been lonely, empty, and hurtful). Oh what I would give to change some of your circumstances and undo some of the things you have seen, heard, and experienced in your young little life. But that's not how it works.
You bring into my class your life up to that point. Some of you come in wide-eyed, innocent, silly, and every bit your age. While some of you come in bitter, apathetic, distant, with the attitude and demeanor of someone who has led a much longer and harsher life than you should have. It breaks my heart. It literally hurts me for the hurt you have endured. But I can't undo the past. I can't change it for you.
I see so much potential in you to literally be anything you want to be. A doctor, a teacher, a veterinarian, a pastor, whatever you can dream up. But too many of you over the years have already decided by age 10 that you don't care. You don't want to try. You don't want to work hard. And as much as I have tried to match your attitude, it just isn't in me to not care. Which is why I get so frustrated with you at times. Because I can see things that you can't see and I try so hard to speak truth and love into your young life, but I can't make you want to learn and try and grow. That is something only you can find for yourself.
I hope to one day be on the front row at your high school and college graduation. I hope to one day have you as my own doctor or veterinarian. I hope to see you achieve more than you ever thought possible. But that all starts with the attitude you have today. I am going to do my best and continue to pray that God will give me patience in this process and wisdom in how to best teach and love you. I have not given up on you.
Jumble of Thoughts
Y'all... I feel like my brain is on overdrive with thoughts, questions, doubts, and worries these days. Anybody else ever feel like that? Honestly, the last 4 months since I returned from Africa have been a challenge. That experience stirred up so much inside of me that I am still trying to make sense of. These days I feel like I am constantly wrestling to understand my purpose and my place for the present and the future. AND I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN! It is soooooo hard for me to not know what is next, which I'm pretty sure is exactly why God is keeping me in the dark right now.
I so long to be experiencing life in a different culture while sharing the hope of Jesus with other people around the world. BUT... what if it's hard? What if I feel lonely? What if I get homesick? What would I do with my house? What would I do when I come back? What about money? What if it's scary, dangerous, etc.?
BUT... what if I stay? This year has been a HUGE struggle with me in teaching. I am extremely frustrated, exhausted, and flat burnt out. I have lost the joy of teaching and have really wrestled with wondering if I am truly an effective teacher. Is that because I didn't really have a summer? Or because I've had some of the same kids for over a year now? Is that because I've been doing this for 10 years now? Or is that because I tasted something this summer that lit a spark in my heart for something different? I DON"T KNOW! And that drives me crazy. I am such a problem solver and feel that every problem needs a clear solution. But things right now for me are muddy and messy.
Which is why this leaves me in a place where daily I find myself crawling back to the feet of my Savior and asking him what? when? how? where? And for now I literally visualize Him sitting in front of me with a finger covering His lips to silence me and all of my questions. He gently whispers to me, "Just trust me." And then He lets me choose whether I will be obedient or let my thoughts, questions, doubts, and worries take over.
My recent vocabulary includes: desperate, dependent, discontent, discouraged, disappointed, drained (okay so once I started with the "d" words I had to continue because at least for right now I'm a teacher and that's how we roll).
So, what's next? Not a clue. Where will I be this time next year? I have no idea. Will I make it to May with these kids? I sure hope so. If I don't teach, what else will I do? Not sure. Right now I just continue to see question marks and no periods and in this moment, right now, I am choosing to trust Him. I am choosing to rest solely in Him. I am choosing to take each day and ask for open eyes to see the ministry in front of me right now and the opportunities to touch other people's lives. I am choosing to allow the refining process to happen (even though it really sucks) in the hopes that this is all preparing me for what's next. Period. The End.
I so long to be experiencing life in a different culture while sharing the hope of Jesus with other people around the world. BUT... what if it's hard? What if I feel lonely? What if I get homesick? What would I do with my house? What would I do when I come back? What about money? What if it's scary, dangerous, etc.?
BUT... what if I stay? This year has been a HUGE struggle with me in teaching. I am extremely frustrated, exhausted, and flat burnt out. I have lost the joy of teaching and have really wrestled with wondering if I am truly an effective teacher. Is that because I didn't really have a summer? Or because I've had some of the same kids for over a year now? Is that because I've been doing this for 10 years now? Or is that because I tasted something this summer that lit a spark in my heart for something different? I DON"T KNOW! And that drives me crazy. I am such a problem solver and feel that every problem needs a clear solution. But things right now for me are muddy and messy.
Which is why this leaves me in a place where daily I find myself crawling back to the feet of my Savior and asking him what? when? how? where? And for now I literally visualize Him sitting in front of me with a finger covering His lips to silence me and all of my questions. He gently whispers to me, "Just trust me." And then He lets me choose whether I will be obedient or let my thoughts, questions, doubts, and worries take over.
My recent vocabulary includes: desperate, dependent, discontent, discouraged, disappointed, drained (okay so once I started with the "d" words I had to continue because at least for right now I'm a teacher and that's how we roll).
So, what's next? Not a clue. Where will I be this time next year? I have no idea. Will I make it to May with these kids? I sure hope so. If I don't teach, what else will I do? Not sure. Right now I just continue to see question marks and no periods and in this moment, right now, I am choosing to trust Him. I am choosing to rest solely in Him. I am choosing to take each day and ask for open eyes to see the ministry in front of me right now and the opportunities to touch other people's lives. I am choosing to allow the refining process to happen (even though it really sucks) in the hopes that this is all preparing me for what's next. Period. The End.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
Partners in the Gospel
Partner - a person who takes part in an undertaking with others, often involving shared risks and profits
8,270 miles away and across 8 time zones I was blessed to witness a beautiful picture of what it looks like to be partners in the gospel with a community of believers from a different background, culture, and continent. Each day, our American team of 10 partnered with 8 Tanzanians to achieve our common goal. Our combined team was also able to equip over 10 local pastors and 5 local medical trainees. We greatly depended on each other to help achieve our goals. If our team of 10 had shown up in the village without the support of our Tanzanian friends we would have seriously struggled.
There were two memorable moments when this partnership was so evident. One was on Thursday of our trip. I remember standing in a corner of the church getting a sip of water and taking a minute to look around. I was overwhelmed when I realized that the clinic was mainly being run by the people we had trained. One of our goals was to leave behind people who were trained in how to assess basic medical needs. It was amazing to see this in action.
The second time I was blessed by this partnership was on our last day in Dihombo village. Mari Beth, our team leader, had come down with a nasty stomach bug. Pastor Joel asked that she be escorted into the church so that we could pray over her. She came in and sat in a chair in the middle of a circle that included our team, our Tanzanian team, the pastors she had poured into throughout the week, and members of the church congregation. We stood together as one and lifted up unified prayers for healing.
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philippians 1:3-6
8,270 miles away and across 8 time zones I was blessed to witness a beautiful picture of what it looks like to be partners in the gospel with a community of believers from a different background, culture, and continent. Each day, our American team of 10 partnered with 8 Tanzanians to achieve our common goal. Our combined team was also able to equip over 10 local pastors and 5 local medical trainees. We greatly depended on each other to help achieve our goals. If our team of 10 had shown up in the village without the support of our Tanzanian friends we would have seriously struggled.
There were two memorable moments when this partnership was so evident. One was on Thursday of our trip. I remember standing in a corner of the church getting a sip of water and taking a minute to look around. I was overwhelmed when I realized that the clinic was mainly being run by the people we had trained. One of our goals was to leave behind people who were trained in how to assess basic medical needs. It was amazing to see this in action.
The second time I was blessed by this partnership was on our last day in Dihombo village. Mari Beth, our team leader, had come down with a nasty stomach bug. Pastor Joel asked that she be escorted into the church so that we could pray over her. She came in and sat in a chair in the middle of a circle that included our team, our Tanzanian team, the pastors she had poured into throughout the week, and members of the church congregation. We stood together as one and lifted up unified prayers for healing.
"I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philippians 1:3-6
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Gracious and Giving
"When someone has been given much, much will be required in return; and when someone has been entrusted with much, even more will be required." - Luke 12:48
According a top economist you need just $34,000 annual income to be in the top 1% of the world's richest people... and HALF the world's richest people live in the U.S. So by the world's standards most of you reading this blog are considered "wealthy". We are blessed to live in this great country with so many resources, opportunities, and "things" that make life comfortable. But if you are like me you often don't look at all of these "things" as gifts God has given us to make spreading the gospel that much easier. But what if we realized that God has given us much because He requires much? What if we understood that all of these blessings are given to us to bless others?
What joy is found when we eagerly give away the things God has blessed us with in the hopes that it will encourage and help our fellow brother and sister in Christ? What beauty there is when we come before the Lord with open hands instead of clinched fists and ask that He show us how to live a life that is poured out as an offering. Man, I was convicted of this over and over again while in Africa. In 2013 the average income in Tanzania was $860. The people that we were able to minister to have so little, but in many ways have so much more because they understand the joy of giving.
One day as I was eating my lunch on the bus I had several precious children bring me beautiful flowers. Such a precious gift.
Another day I was talking to several kids and trying (in odd sign language and broken Swahili) to find out what they were eating. The next thing I knew I had one child go pick a mango for me and another child offered me some homemade candy. They were so eager to share what little they had.
Another thing that struck me was how content the people were to wait. Some people would show up early for the clinic and they would sit patiently and wait until their name was called to be seen. I worked in the pharmacy for the majority of the week. One day this precious elderly man came up to the pharmacy and politely told our nurse/interpreter that he was still waiting for his prescriptions. We looked back through the stack of forms and found that his only had a recommendation by the doctor to see an ophthalmologist, but no prescriptions to be filled. Nurse Monica relayed this to him and he smiled, said "Thank You" and left. What? I would have climbed over that table and throttled the "pharmacist". I would have yelled and pitched a fit that my time is precious and are you kidding that I just waited here for hours for nothing? And that is ugly to realize. I was reminded of this gracious man when I went to the post office earlier this week to attempt for the 5 gajillionth time to straighten out my mail. I pray that I will constantly be reminded of the gracious and giving hearts of these incredible Tanzanian people!
Lord, give me the boldness to give until it hurts. Give me an eternal perspective instead of an earthly view. Let my life be poured out for the sake of making your name known to the ends of the earth.
"But store up for yourselves treasures in Heaven..." - Matthew 6:20
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