June 2012 - Mission trip to Haiti
July 2012 - Offered job at Cornerstone Schools of Alabama teaching middle school Science
August 2012 - First hear about the World Race
March 2013 - Hanna starts talking about doing the World Race and applies
August 2013 - Hanna leaves for the World Race
February 2014 - Asked to move from middle school to 4th grade, begrudgingly accepted job
August 2014 - Began teaching 4th grade
May 2015 - Mission trip to Tanzania
June 2015 - Present Day: Stirred, discontent, longing
Things I have read about, considered, researched, etc.:
Sozo Children
Samaritan's Purse
International schools
Refugee camps
World Race
SIM
AIM
IMB
Syrian Refugee Aide
Niger, Africa
Jesus Film Project
(un)adopted
Cafe 1040
Amazima, Kisses from Katie
Bogota, Colombia
Launch Global
Sunday, October 25, 2015
Friday, October 23, 2015
Refining
Refine - to remove impurities or unwanted elements from (a worthwhile, yet unfun process)
This morning I was driving to school and just chatting with God and telling Him how frustrating it is to be trying so hard to mold these 14 hearts and prevent them from going down the wrong path. I feel like so many of them are internally fighting against this process because they are ten, hormonal, and just plain crazy emotional at this stage. It is a refining time for several of them (worthwhile, but unfun).
And then God just totally stopped me in my tracks and spoke so clearly to me... "Yeah, I feel the exact same way." Since returning from Africa I have often said that I feel like this is a refining season for me in many different ways. Basically I feel like a hot mess. This blog post does such a great job of summing up my thoughts and emotions during this time... click here. The refining process is difficult when you are not sure what the Lord is trying to bring to the surface. And so I come to His feet and say, "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." - Psalm 139:23-24
Lord, mold me. Refine me. I know that the heat is necessary to bring the impurities to the surface. Give me the boldness and courage to lay all of my yuck at your feet and ask that you cleanse me. Speak clearly to me and give me open ears to hear from you. Thank you for your patience, grace, and mercy throughout this process. I want to be healthy and whole. I want to be prepared for wherever you are leading me. I repent of my selfishness, negativity, and worry. I ask for your forgiveness for putting you in the passenger seat and trying to manage and run things on my own. Clearly that is working out horribly at this point. I just want to be in your presence. I just want to be used by you. May I be fit to be used by you. I surrender myself to this process, however long it takes. Break my heart for what breaks yours. Amen.
This morning I was driving to school and just chatting with God and telling Him how frustrating it is to be trying so hard to mold these 14 hearts and prevent them from going down the wrong path. I feel like so many of them are internally fighting against this process because they are ten, hormonal, and just plain crazy emotional at this stage. It is a refining time for several of them (worthwhile, but unfun).
And then God just totally stopped me in my tracks and spoke so clearly to me... "Yeah, I feel the exact same way." Since returning from Africa I have often said that I feel like this is a refining season for me in many different ways. Basically I feel like a hot mess. This blog post does such a great job of summing up my thoughts and emotions during this time... click here. The refining process is difficult when you are not sure what the Lord is trying to bring to the surface. And so I come to His feet and say, "Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." - Psalm 139:23-24
Lord, mold me. Refine me. I know that the heat is necessary to bring the impurities to the surface. Give me the boldness and courage to lay all of my yuck at your feet and ask that you cleanse me. Speak clearly to me and give me open ears to hear from you. Thank you for your patience, grace, and mercy throughout this process. I want to be healthy and whole. I want to be prepared for wherever you are leading me. I repent of my selfishness, negativity, and worry. I ask for your forgiveness for putting you in the passenger seat and trying to manage and run things on my own. Clearly that is working out horribly at this point. I just want to be in your presence. I just want to be used by you. May I be fit to be used by you. I surrender myself to this process, however long it takes. Break my heart for what breaks yours. Amen.
Thursday, October 22, 2015
An Open Letter to My Students
Dear Students,
Do you know how many students I have taught so far? Around 300. Ten class lists of names. But the names on those lists are not just names. They also represent a family and a home (some good, healthy, and full of encouragement and love while others have been lonely, empty, and hurtful). Oh what I would give to change some of your circumstances and undo some of the things you have seen, heard, and experienced in your young little life. But that's not how it works.
You bring into my class your life up to that point. Some of you come in wide-eyed, innocent, silly, and every bit your age. While some of you come in bitter, apathetic, distant, with the attitude and demeanor of someone who has led a much longer and harsher life than you should have. It breaks my heart. It literally hurts me for the hurt you have endured. But I can't undo the past. I can't change it for you.
I see so much potential in you to literally be anything you want to be. A doctor, a teacher, a veterinarian, a pastor, whatever you can dream up. But too many of you over the years have already decided by age 10 that you don't care. You don't want to try. You don't want to work hard. And as much as I have tried to match your attitude, it just isn't in me to not care. Which is why I get so frustrated with you at times. Because I can see things that you can't see and I try so hard to speak truth and love into your young life, but I can't make you want to learn and try and grow. That is something only you can find for yourself.
I hope to one day be on the front row at your high school and college graduation. I hope to one day have you as my own doctor or veterinarian. I hope to see you achieve more than you ever thought possible. But that all starts with the attitude you have today. I am going to do my best and continue to pray that God will give me patience in this process and wisdom in how to best teach and love you. I have not given up on you.
Do you know how many students I have taught so far? Around 300. Ten class lists of names. But the names on those lists are not just names. They also represent a family and a home (some good, healthy, and full of encouragement and love while others have been lonely, empty, and hurtful). Oh what I would give to change some of your circumstances and undo some of the things you have seen, heard, and experienced in your young little life. But that's not how it works.
You bring into my class your life up to that point. Some of you come in wide-eyed, innocent, silly, and every bit your age. While some of you come in bitter, apathetic, distant, with the attitude and demeanor of someone who has led a much longer and harsher life than you should have. It breaks my heart. It literally hurts me for the hurt you have endured. But I can't undo the past. I can't change it for you.
I see so much potential in you to literally be anything you want to be. A doctor, a teacher, a veterinarian, a pastor, whatever you can dream up. But too many of you over the years have already decided by age 10 that you don't care. You don't want to try. You don't want to work hard. And as much as I have tried to match your attitude, it just isn't in me to not care. Which is why I get so frustrated with you at times. Because I can see things that you can't see and I try so hard to speak truth and love into your young life, but I can't make you want to learn and try and grow. That is something only you can find for yourself.
I hope to one day be on the front row at your high school and college graduation. I hope to one day have you as my own doctor or veterinarian. I hope to see you achieve more than you ever thought possible. But that all starts with the attitude you have today. I am going to do my best and continue to pray that God will give me patience in this process and wisdom in how to best teach and love you. I have not given up on you.
Jumble of Thoughts
Y'all... I feel like my brain is on overdrive with thoughts, questions, doubts, and worries these days. Anybody else ever feel like that? Honestly, the last 4 months since I returned from Africa have been a challenge. That experience stirred up so much inside of me that I am still trying to make sense of. These days I feel like I am constantly wrestling to understand my purpose and my place for the present and the future. AND I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN! It is soooooo hard for me to not know what is next, which I'm pretty sure is exactly why God is keeping me in the dark right now.
I so long to be experiencing life in a different culture while sharing the hope of Jesus with other people around the world. BUT... what if it's hard? What if I feel lonely? What if I get homesick? What would I do with my house? What would I do when I come back? What about money? What if it's scary, dangerous, etc.?
BUT... what if I stay? This year has been a HUGE struggle with me in teaching. I am extremely frustrated, exhausted, and flat burnt out. I have lost the joy of teaching and have really wrestled with wondering if I am truly an effective teacher. Is that because I didn't really have a summer? Or because I've had some of the same kids for over a year now? Is that because I've been doing this for 10 years now? Or is that because I tasted something this summer that lit a spark in my heart for something different? I DON"T KNOW! And that drives me crazy. I am such a problem solver and feel that every problem needs a clear solution. But things right now for me are muddy and messy.
Which is why this leaves me in a place where daily I find myself crawling back to the feet of my Savior and asking him what? when? how? where? And for now I literally visualize Him sitting in front of me with a finger covering His lips to silence me and all of my questions. He gently whispers to me, "Just trust me." And then He lets me choose whether I will be obedient or let my thoughts, questions, doubts, and worries take over.
My recent vocabulary includes: desperate, dependent, discontent, discouraged, disappointed, drained (okay so once I started with the "d" words I had to continue because at least for right now I'm a teacher and that's how we roll).
So, what's next? Not a clue. Where will I be this time next year? I have no idea. Will I make it to May with these kids? I sure hope so. If I don't teach, what else will I do? Not sure. Right now I just continue to see question marks and no periods and in this moment, right now, I am choosing to trust Him. I am choosing to rest solely in Him. I am choosing to take each day and ask for open eyes to see the ministry in front of me right now and the opportunities to touch other people's lives. I am choosing to allow the refining process to happen (even though it really sucks) in the hopes that this is all preparing me for what's next. Period. The End.
I so long to be experiencing life in a different culture while sharing the hope of Jesus with other people around the world. BUT... what if it's hard? What if I feel lonely? What if I get homesick? What would I do with my house? What would I do when I come back? What about money? What if it's scary, dangerous, etc.?
BUT... what if I stay? This year has been a HUGE struggle with me in teaching. I am extremely frustrated, exhausted, and flat burnt out. I have lost the joy of teaching and have really wrestled with wondering if I am truly an effective teacher. Is that because I didn't really have a summer? Or because I've had some of the same kids for over a year now? Is that because I've been doing this for 10 years now? Or is that because I tasted something this summer that lit a spark in my heart for something different? I DON"T KNOW! And that drives me crazy. I am such a problem solver and feel that every problem needs a clear solution. But things right now for me are muddy and messy.
Which is why this leaves me in a place where daily I find myself crawling back to the feet of my Savior and asking him what? when? how? where? And for now I literally visualize Him sitting in front of me with a finger covering His lips to silence me and all of my questions. He gently whispers to me, "Just trust me." And then He lets me choose whether I will be obedient or let my thoughts, questions, doubts, and worries take over.
My recent vocabulary includes: desperate, dependent, discontent, discouraged, disappointed, drained (okay so once I started with the "d" words I had to continue because at least for right now I'm a teacher and that's how we roll).
So, what's next? Not a clue. Where will I be this time next year? I have no idea. Will I make it to May with these kids? I sure hope so. If I don't teach, what else will I do? Not sure. Right now I just continue to see question marks and no periods and in this moment, right now, I am choosing to trust Him. I am choosing to rest solely in Him. I am choosing to take each day and ask for open eyes to see the ministry in front of me right now and the opportunities to touch other people's lives. I am choosing to allow the refining process to happen (even though it really sucks) in the hopes that this is all preparing me for what's next. Period. The End.
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