Jumble of Thoughts

Y'all... I feel like my brain is on overdrive with thoughts, questions, doubts, and worries these days.  Anybody else ever feel like that?  Honestly, the last 4 months since I returned from Africa have been a challenge.  That experience stirred up so much inside of me that I am still trying to make sense of.  These days I feel like I am constantly wrestling to understand my purpose and my place for the present and the future.  AND I NEED TO KNOW THE PLAN!  It is soooooo hard for me to not know what is next, which I'm pretty sure is exactly why God is keeping me in the dark right now.

I so long to be experiencing life in a different culture while sharing the hope of Jesus with other people around the world.  BUT... what if it's hard?  What if I feel lonely?  What if I get homesick?  What would I do with my house?  What would I do when I come back?  What about money?  What if it's scary, dangerous, etc.?

BUT... what if I stay?  This year has been a HUGE struggle with me in teaching.  I am extremely frustrated, exhausted, and flat burnt out.  I have lost the joy of teaching and have really wrestled with wondering if I am truly an effective teacher.  Is that because I didn't really have a summer?  Or because I've had some of the same kids for over a year now?  Is that because I've been doing this for 10 years now?  Or is that because I tasted something this summer that lit a spark in my heart for something different?  I DON"T KNOW!  And that drives me crazy.  I am such a problem solver and feel that every problem needs a clear solution.  But things right now for me are muddy and messy.  

Which is why this leaves me in a place where daily I find myself crawling back to the feet of my Savior and asking him what?  when?  how?  where?  And for now I literally visualize Him sitting in front of me with a finger covering His lips to silence me and all of my questions.  He gently whispers to me, "Just trust me." And then He lets me choose whether I will be obedient or let my thoughts, questions, doubts, and worries take over.

My recent vocabulary includes: desperate, dependent, discontent, discouraged, disappointed, drained (okay so once I started with the "d" words I had to continue because at least for right now I'm a teacher and that's how we roll).

So, what's next?  Not a clue.  Where will I be this time next year?  I have no idea.  Will I make it to May with these kids?  I sure hope so.  If I don't teach, what else will I do?  Not sure.  Right now I just continue to see question marks and no periods and in this moment, right now, I am choosing to trust Him.  I am choosing to rest solely in Him.  I am choosing to take each day and ask for open eyes to see the ministry in front of me right now and the opportunities to touch other people's lives.  I am choosing to allow the refining process to happen (even though it really sucks) in the hopes that this is all preparing me for what's next.  Period.  The End.