WARNING, WARNING! This is a long 'un cause I gotst a lotst to say.
I want to be married. I want to have children. There, I said it. I want to be confident in Christ and whatever He has planned for me, but that is really presenting a challenge for me right now. Think of something that you really want(ed) for your life (kids, a certain job, a spouse, etc.) Now consider the possibility that God didn't have that in His plan for you. Would you still trust Him? In all honesty, I am really struggling with that right now. Do I trust Him if his plans for me do not include those things that I strongly desire? Do I trust Him enough to let go of those desires and find rest and "sekerity" in Him? Do I trust Him enough to lay those desires down for good... like forever? How do we develop faith if we always get everything we want? Why would I have a need to trust in God if I had all the things I have ever dreamed of? Uncertainty develops faith and obedience.
Okay, let me back up and explain how I got to this point. I can remember ever since I was in middle school having spend the night parties and staying up until the middle of the night talking with my friends about getting married one day and how wonderful it would be. Over the years I looked on as friend after friend got engaged and started their married lives. I was consumed with jealousy and self-pity for a while because their grass looked so green to me. Then I realized that I could waste time wishing for the future or I could enjoy where I am in my life right now... which I have done. I have made some great new friends, I have a great house and job, and I have done lots of things that I probably never would have done had I been married. I have really been seeking what God wants me to do right now while still praying for my future.
My dating experience has been minimal, so last year I finally decided to give online dating a go after some encouraging from a friend who was already doing it. I signed up on match.com and met some interesting (read "weird") people (that I will later detail for you because at least my experiences will provide entertainment for someone) and after 3 months called it quits. A year later I decided to give it another try and chose to use a different site this time. Another friend of mine had met someone through eHarmony and they both seemed like normal people, so I took about 67 hours to fill out an in-depth personality test and then started to get matched up with some folks. Again, I have met some interesting people. The most recent guy that I got to know has only proven to be another disappointment. Last week I became very frustrated with the situation and decided to get out of town for a couple of days and refocus myself. I had been wanting to go to the beach for a while, so on Thursday I packed a bag, booked a (sketchy) hotel room and headed to Gulf Shores. It was a great "Mer"cation and a wonderful time with my Savior who loves me more than any person ever will. I spent lots of time reading my Bible and seeking God's peace. I have a very tender and emotional heart when it comes to relationships, especially with guys. I am learning more about guarding my heart and finding confidence in Christ. (Okay, now I am going to make my connection) There is an amazing "sekerity" in Christ that I am learning to rest in. It is freeing to realize that when I get too deep in my own thoughts and emotions, I can yell out "sekerity" and my amazing Protector reaches in to pull me out and hold me in His arms. The Bible study that I am doing right now is called "Giving Christ Control". Each chapter that I have read over the past several days has been amazing. I have no doubt that the Holy Spirit used these words to reach me where I am. And that to me is incredible. My God is great! My God is strong! My God is love! My God is "sekerity"!
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